I wanna show yoo a picture of me but be warned its not pretty. This was me a few years ago 18 stone (im not sure what that is in pounds) a size 24-26 and the thing is when this picture was taken I truely believed I was okay. I felt like i looked alright. The second picture was taken a couple of weeks ago. 10 and half stone and a size 12/14. yet I still have the same insecurities like when I was big. I still feel like i'm fat. if anything nowadays I feel fatter because I guess I know now that I wasnt happy when I was really big. I've been feeling quite fat recently but its all in my head to a large extent. I mean just looking at those two pictures right now I can see quite clearly an improvement, I'm no longer as wide as I was tall *laughing* but i still get scared that I'm gonna get fat again. I lost all that weight a year and a bit ago now and ive managed to keep the majority of it off which is good.

 

I've been thinking alot about my future and where its gonna go...or more importantly where I want it to go. I have a theory

imagine past present and future being left centre and right. if you look to the left (past) and constantly dwell on the past then your peheprial vision can catch glimpses of the present but doesnt stand a hope of seeing the future. Likewise if you constantly look to the right (future) you can live too much in the future, making plans for every eventuality again your perhiprial vision can catch glimpses of the present but if you cant look to the past your bound to make the same mistakes again.So i've decided to look straight ahead and not turn back. concentrate on the present enjoy it. from the centre I can look both to the past and to the future. the best of all worlds.

Thats my theory its not a very good one but its mine. You think its cruddy? get yoor own. But sorry i digress...or is that regress? Anyway.... I guess what i really want in my future more than anything is daddy and good friends. I hope that my friends and daddy stay in my life forever, other than that i dont really mind. I dont have much direction when it comes to career its not something that drives me. I mean sure more money would be good but Id rather have fun than hafta work all the hours I get.

TUesday let me just say wow..no sorry I mean WOW...wait wait.....WOWOWOWOWOWWWWW!!!!  I went for a modelling photoshoot andthe photoshoot was phenomenally awesome like in regards to my expectations it was beyond what i could imagine.  my and my best friend sharon went and we came in and immediately the handed us a cocktail and took our jackets and bags, then we filled in a form about how we wanted our hair and makeup to look  and then they took each of us to our own personal stylist who gave us a hand massage and did our hair and makeup (my hair was put into ringlets which is pretty much how I want it for the wedding) the makeup looked really heavy (I swear it was an inch thick) but they said not to panic because in the photos it would look natural.  We went back to the lounge area and had more drinks then we got our own professional photographer and mine was super nice.  I showed her all the outfits I had brought.  My white long dress(complete with sandals, a greyscale checkered dress (complete with knee high boots), a pair of jeans and 2 tops and of course my blue baby dress ( complete with white frilly anklesocks and black patent maryjanes).  she totally flipped out when I showed her the babydress saying "OMG we're gonna have so much fun with this dress"

  I started off having group shots done of me and sharon then into jeans and pink top, then into my checkered black dress then into my white dress (which I should have tried on before going because ive lost so much weight that the boob supporter doesnt support anymore LOL) then my babydress. for my baby dress she wanted me to jump up and down alot and to swish it around  the problem was though swishing that dress too much brings it above your waist which would obviously show padding so i was being a bit conservative with the swishing.  I should have worn tights then it would have been okay. she kept making squeaky happy noises saying i was soo cute and adorable and how she loved the dress. after the shoot we went downstairs and they wanted us to recommend some friends.  I didnt recommend anyone and then we got shown all the pictures. some of them are absouletly stunning some of the baby ones are oober OOBER cute and in several shots it just looks so great that i can barely believe its me. theres one particualr shot where my bum looks soo skinny and thats WITH a nappy on.  its amazing what they can do with lights and the right camera angle.  then i ended up buying the entire shoot worth of photos they all got printed im getting one in a larger size and theyre all being put on disk  a package like that should cost 1999 pounds...ow....instead i ended up getting it for £400 thats still quite owch and ive cant remember ever spending that sorta money on me ever. but the experience was really worth it i felt like a million zillion pounds and the pictures wil; be a nice memento.  I cant show you any because the pics havent come but when they do trust me you guys will be the first to know